“There should be a statute of limitation on grief. A rulebook that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after 42 days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name. That there will be no fine imposed if you feel the need to clean out her desk; take down her artwork from the refrigerator; turn over a school portrait as you pass – if only because it cuts you fresh again to see it. That it’s okay to measure the time she has been gone, the way we once measured her birthdays.”

-Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

April 2014

Following a lead discovered online involving a holistic gypsy claiming to have mystical powers, Max found herself in Northwest Idaho on the woman’s trail. She stayed at Winchester Lake State Park in a cheap primitive campsite for several days while she searched for the gypsy by interviewing the locals. She had no need for electricity, and, thankfully, the park used well-water that could be pumped for drinking and open-fire cooking, as well as a makeshift shower system connected to the restrooms.

Max’s parents didn’t have a lot of money. What they did have, they used wisely, however. When their daughter was born, they began periodically putting a little bit aside, into a college savings account. Sometimes, the amount was only ten dollars each month– but it grew to a decent amount over almost two decades.

After Max decided that finding Chloe again was her new purpose in life, she convinced her mother and father to forget about college and move the money into a standard checking account she could use for her trip.

They were hesitant about allowing their little girl to go out on her own, but she left them little choice. She was either going to riskily hitchhike her way around the country, or they could support her, and she would be in a more intentional environment. In exchange for her promise to always stay safe and alert, Ryan and Vanessa continued to pay Max’s cell phone bill, hoping they would all be able to contact one another at any time.

Max utilized a portion of the few thousand dollars remaining in her checking account to purchase discount camping supplies, food, and gasoline for the motorcycle she was still getting used to. The most expensive piece of equipment was a solar-powered charging bank to keep her phone available if she needed to use it.

She drove the speed limit and only traveled during the day to avoid potentially getting pulled over by the police. Max had a driver’s license but not a motorcycle license, which would throw a major wrench in her plan if she were ever caught. She was thrilled when she found the gypsy’s contact information. The woman agreed to meet at the park, at her campsite; number 16.

Her site was nearest the lake, and, most importantly, farthest away from the ranger station. When she heard a different motorcycle’s engine coming down the loop, she knew it had to be the woman she was expecting.

As the bike approached, Max realized the woman looked exactly the way she pictured her over the phone a day prior. Chloe lovingly poked fun of Max’s hipster wardrobe by calling her a hippie, but this woman was the embodiment of the word. She pulled up to the campsite and removed her helmet to reveal long, silver strands. They were messy and wiry except where the helmet pushed them down on the top. The woman’s rose-shaded sunglasses remained on her round face as she propped her bike on its kickstand and hopped down. She was the same height as Max but twice or three times as wide, bustier and much rounder near the hips. Age had weathered her skin; stretch lines and crinkles peppered the exposed areas.

Her crumpled maxi dress had a mixture of purple floral patterns with an orange and black tribal motif design. It was tattered at the edges, indicating it had seen much better days. Her suede boots were stained and worn, also fraying near the laces.

“Careful with her, Max.”

I will, Chloe. Don’t worry. But… thanks for being here with me. I really need you today.

“You must be Max Caulfield,” the woman confirmed, voice raspy and smooth. “You’re foxier than you sounded on the phone.” Her lips curled up at the corners as her eyes scanned the girl from head to toe.

“Y-Yeah, that’s me. And you must be Robin.” Max had no idea how the conversation would go, but she had that same urge she felt previously with the bus ride and the motorcycle. She knew this was exactly where she was meant to be, but she was unsure of what she would find.

“Far out! So, do you have the money?”

“I do.” Max hastily reached inside her messenger bag and pulled out the $500 they agreed to the previous day, stretching her arm outward with the bills between her fingertips and thumb.

Robin snatched the money and brought the stack to her nose. After shuffling through it and taking a deep sniff, she stuffed the cash in her bra. “Very, very good, Dearie. Let’s get started.”

The older woman grabbed a backpack from the rear of her motorcycle and took it to the campsite’s picnic table. She swung her legs over the bench and sat down.

“Nice ride you got there,” she called back towards Max, who was following behind her.

“Oh. Th-thank you, I guess.” Max hesitated.

“Not yours, is it?”

Max shook her head. “Not really. I mean, it is mine… but…”

“I can tell. Here, take this.” The woman reached inside her pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. She held it sideways with a gentle shake, causing two to slide a little farther out than the others.

“I don’t smoke, but thanks.” Joining the woman at the table, directly across from her, Max waved her hand to decline the offer.

Robin pinched the end of a cigarette and removed it from the pack. She placed it between her lips and pulled out a lighter, snapping the wheel to create a spark. The butane lit as the gypsy moved the lighter to the end of her cigarette. A small plume of smoke followed. Once it cleared, the woman sat more relaxed.

“You told me on the phone that you lost someone. Your description of her made me think you had an affinity for cigarettes. Am I wrong?” Robin took another drag.

“Oh, well, Chloe smoked, yeah. But I never took it up.”

I miss your cigarette smoke, Chloe. I know it sounds crazy, but I miss everything about you. Even the things I didn’t care for at the time.

The gypsy placed both palms on the table and leaned in, closer to Max. Lifting one hand, she pushed her sunglasses down on her nose and looked over the frame. “You’ll want to get in her mindset, Dearie. If she smoked; you should smoke. Take it from me. It’s the only way for this to work.”

Max looked into the woman’s eyes. Robin was slightly bobbing her head up and down. Behind her cigarette, crooked, yellowed teeth showed a sideways smile.

“Fine. I’ll take one. But don’t laugh at me if I cough.”

The woman offered her pack once more. This time, Max took one and placed the filter end between her lips, as she had watched the gypsy do. Robin lit the flame and stretched her arm out towards Max’s face.

“Like you’re drinking through a straw, Max. Nothing to it.”

Max listened closely for Chloe’s voice to warn her about the dangers of smoking. When she heard nothing, the brunette leaned in towards the fire. She watched the non-filtered end catch ablaze, and the paper marginally burn alongside the tobacco within. She could feel a substance filling her mouth and cheeks. As the smoke broke the barrier between her tongue and throat, and entered her lungs, her body violently reacted with a series of breathy coughs. Billows of smoke exited as she desperately searched for air to breathe in.

She stood from her seated position, placed the cigarette on the table, and stepped away, continuing to cough as she walked. From behind, Max heard the gypsy giggling. Her eyes watered and her throat felt dry and scratchy. She leaned down and placed both hands on her knees as she attempted to feel ‘normal’ again. She reached one hand up and clawed at her throat– as if she were able to scratch it from the inside.

Finally, the coughing fit ended. Max wiped her face and stood. She turned around and met the eyes of the gypsy still calmly sitting at the campsite picnic table.

“You okay, Dearie?” Robin asked. “Took a big one.”

Max cleared her throat. “That sucked. I don’t know how people do that all the time.”

“Eh, you get used to it. It’s not so bad after a while.” Robin pointed at the table where Max’s still-lit cigarette rested. The ash on the end had grown to nearly half the size of the entire stick. “Try again. This time, don’t take a damn lung full.” She chuckled and took one final drag, flicking the remaining butt towards the fire circle ring. “Normally, I don’t litter. But your next fire will take care of that.”

Leaning forward to reclaim the item, Max grabbed on then sat back down. “I-I’m not sure if I should.” She looked at the cigarette between her fingers, then back toward the gypsy.

“Imagine you’re taking a little, bitty, tiny sip through a straw.” The woman held her pointer and thumb up about a centimeter apart.

Max nodded then brought it back to her lips. The end burned as she pulled in, and, this time, it didn’t feel quite as bad as the first. Only a small trickle of smoke entered her lungs. She blew out almost immediately followed by a small cough.

“See,” the gypsy began, “nothing to it. You’re already a pro.”

At that moment, Max experienced a new energy wiggling through her nerves. She began to realize why Chloe enjoyed it so much. For the first time since her best friend’s death, her anxiety was pushed aside. It wasn’t as sharp as usual; it felt dull and in the background of her mind.

“Yeah, that… that feels pretty good.”

Chloe, I’m so sorry. You’re probably disappointed in me.

“I’m not, Max. Not at all. Maybe you need this shit right now. It helped me when I needed it.”

Robin reached inside her pack and pulled out several ornate candles and a deck of cards. “Alright, Dearie. You paid for the full package. Let’s jump right in.”

After agreeing to have dinner with the Price’s the following evening, Vanessa helped Max prepare for her departure from the hospital’s care. The paperwork was completed, and Max passed all the medical staff’s required testing. She was glad she was permitted to leave, as the Voodoo Man wasn’t responding to her pleas. She assumed there was something important she needed to accomplish in that reality, and the bokor was certainly not going to help her.

The two women left the hospital and settled into their hotel room, deciding to get takeout for dinner. Not knowing how hungry Max had become, she stopped herself after eating a fourth slice of pizza.

The mother-daughter pair spent the night watching movies and catching up. Max got a chance to chat with her dad over Facetime on her phone. She didn’t realize how much she missed both of her parents since leaving Seattle in her original timeline. Despite having several disagreements in the past, she knew they loved her; the feeling was mutual.

She received multiple phone calls and texts from Victoria, who wanted to visit her as soon as possible. Max made the case for her needing to be with her mother, and she would make sure she sees Victoria in a day or so. The blonde’s messages made it clear she wasn’t happy, but she understood the need for mother-daughter time.

Chloe was still in Max’s heart, always. But for the moment, she wasn’t overly sad. Her mind was set on saving the person who mattered the most to her, and she knew she was on the right track. Something about making the best usage of her time in this reality– she assumed it would all eventually lead to her reuniting with Chloe. She also realized she didn’t crave a cigarette in this place. Maybe it was due to being in the body of another version of herself, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that something inside of her was changing.

That night, after the pair had eaten and taken showers, Vanessa fell asleep first on the hotel’s queen-sized bed. After the final movie ended, something came on the television that Max wasn’t particularly watching. Her eyes were fixed on the object’s colorful glow, yet she was sort of in between being awake and asleep.

Her thoughts centered on Chloe but were growing more abstract with every second. One moment she was staring at the television; the next, she was back in the Two Whales Diner bathroom where hundreds of jumbled numbers were written all over the room. They were littered across the ceiling, walls, stalls, and floor. She looked around and located the keypad beside the door.

“Chloe’s birthday. Of course.”

After punching the correct code in on the pad, the door swung open. Dana was sitting right in front of her beside the window to Max’s right.

“I guess I’ll never dance again, Max…”

As she scanned the diner, she noticed Frank, Brooke, Warren, Juliet, Joyce, David, Logan, and nearly everyone she had encountered since returning to Arcadia Bay.

“I’ve been here before,” she whispered. “Fuck. Not THIS again!”

As she looked over in the direction of a particular booth on the other side of the diner, she expected to see a very specific person. When she noticed that person was not there, she turned around to look behind her.

“Wait, this is different. Where is…?”

Suddenly, she was sitting in the booth where she expected to see that person. When she looked up from where she was sitting, it was like looking into a mirror.

“Who… who are you?”

Abruptly, Max sat up in the hotel room bed gasping for air. Her mother shot up beside her and wrapped her arms around the girl.

“Max! Max!” she exclaimed.

“I-I… that… dream…”

“A nightmare, Sweetheart? Oh, you’re burning up.” The older of the two wiped the sweat from Max’s brow and blotted the tears dry on her own shirt. “You need water. Hold on.” She stood up and switched the bathroom light on. It provided enough dim light to shine on the small refrigerator under the television shelf. She located a bottle of water and brought it back to her daughter.

Max took the bottle and placed it against her forehead. The cooling sensation felt nice. She shut her eyes again and enjoyed the way the bottle felt against her skin, though her thoughts were still a bit disconnected. When she reopened her eyes, her mom was holding a cold rag, which she used to replace the bottle.

“Here. You drink the water; I’ll hold the rag.”

After unscrewing the plastic lid, Max lifted the bottle up to her mouth and began guzzling the liquid down her throat. She paused for a moment, bringing the water container back down from her lips.

“Chloe’s birthday?” she softly asked the wall she was staring at. “It was always Chloe’s birthday.”

“Shh, Max,” her mother pleaded. “Do I need to take you back to the hospital? Your temperature must be dangerously high right now. I’m worried, Hun.”

The thought of having to go back to that place snapped Max’s mind back to the present.

“No… no… I can’t go back.” The younger of the two regained control of herself. Her heart thundered in her ears. She pushed up and stood on her feet, removing the rag and placing it on the bed. She raised the bottle back to her lips and rapidly drank the rest of its contents until the container was empty.

Max quickly made her way to the bathroom and twisted the sink faucet on. Cupping her hands underneath, she collected a tiny pool in her palms and splashed the liquid on her face. The sensation caused her breathing to tremble. She blindly reached her arm out for a dry towel and located one, bringing it to her face to wipe the water away. When she removed the towel, she saw 0311 upside down in the mirror on the adjacent wall.

When she turned towards the wall, the numbers were gone. Twisting back to the mirror, she noticed the numbers were no longer there either.

“Max, are you alright?” her mother asked, who had made her way to the doorway of the bathroom.

Turning to face her mom, Max looked into the woman’s concerned eyes. “I’m good now. It was just a nightmare. Nothing more.” Even though she said, ‘nothing more,” Max was skeptical of her own words. She stepped into the woman’s arms and embraced her with a tight hug that she didn’t quickly release.

“Your temperature is dropping. That’s really good.”

“Just a nightmare,” Max repeated, as she replayed the diner moment in her head. It felt more like another reality, just as it had the first time, than just a dream. Part of her was upset that she woke up early. She knew the next part would be Chloe storming inside the diner, jumping into the booth, and having her back. She remembered feeling a sense of relief watching her partner-in-time taking her side in that moment. It was as if Chloe’s love told her own self-doubt to leave her alone. As real as it felt, it would have been nice to actually get to see Chloe again. To her, she hadn’t seen the girl she loved in over two years.

“It’ll be okay, Max.”

Tears abruptly came streaming down her face. “I miss her so much, Mom.” She began to sob into her mother’s shoulder, sniffling at an uneven rate. “I love her.”

Vanessa smoothed her daughter’s hair in the back and squeezed her tighter. “I know, Sweetheart.”

Fuuuuuuck! I can’t do this much longer. Maybe… maybe I should try it again. It’s been a long time since I even attempted. Who knows, it could be back. In the morning, I’m gonna try to rewind one more time.