“We play our moments on repeat like echos for pretend

The same old song is madness, will it ever end?

The blood that ripples through us is like oil inside a car

Fills us up so we can move near or maybe far

Sweet syrup-nectar flowing, brings life and consciousness

Bass drum beating deep within, brimming bottomless

Fight or flight instinct comes welling from the ground

Just like a hungry stomach wanting food to struggle down

You lost yourself that night, and in doing so lost me too

I’m gone and always was – if it meant that we were through

Forgiveness isn’t something I can do right now, if ever

The darkness has been released like someone pulled a lever

I’ve never seen a rainbow with edges on the side

I’ve never seen a shadow run away and try to hide

If this is how it’s supposed to go, well… goodbye

This is what’s in my head, my lamenting lullaby

Just know the time we spent together was valued ’til the end

I wish I had more love to share, but it’s not there for me to send”

-Goodbye by Maria Abeja, from The Book of Halos

February 2014

From across the bistro tea table, Max sat in one of two small, iron seats, staring into the hazel eyes that looked back at her. The girl’s dirty-blonde hair, surprisingly, was not held up in a bun as she typically kept it. Newness and vigor permeated through her like she had recently awakened from a zombie-like state. In a way, Max felt similar, but in a much more focused manner, with certainly different motivations.

“I am so happy you called, Max!” Kate smiled, radiantly. “It is so good to see you again.”

I’m not sure I can handle her being bubbly right now.

Kate’s enthusiasm was sort of nice, but it would not be matched. Max had one goal, and it wasn’t to simply hangout and chitchat. Though, she felt she owed it to her friend to let her know what she was planning. The implications would impact her and her former classmate’s relationship regardless of her reaction.

Kate has always been sweet and friendly, but this is a whole new level. She actually looks happy for a change.

“You be nice to your friend, Maximus,” Chloe playfully demanded, giving Max a startle, causing her to momentarily lose her breath. “She was one of your closest friends not too long ago. Don’t be dumb and forget things like that.”

Shit, Chloe. I haven’t heard your voice in weeks. How does this work? You pop up when I’m doing something you think is stupid?

“If you’re still planning on finding your rewind, it might mean you will never see her again. Think about how you speak to her.”

Max sighed.

I know. She might come with me though, Chloe. I have to ask her. And I could definitely use the company. But, yeah, you’re right. You’re always right…

“It’s good to see you, too, Kate.” Max attempted to sound joyful, but she realized her voice came out more wearisome than otherwise, so she feigned a crooked grin. “I’m seriously glad to see you smile.”

The barista delivered their beverages, placing two mugs in front of the girls. The one in front of Kate had a teabag string hanging near the handle and a translucent, greenish liquid inside. The other, in front of Max, contained a much darker liquid with a heavy, roasted scent. Both were steaming fresh.

Sweet, sweet coffee. At least I can still find joy in that first sip.

Max bent forward and blew into her mug, sending a gentle breeze over its surface. She latched her fingers around the handle and lifted it to her lips. She closed her eyes and made a tiny slurping noise, allowing the small bit to travel past her gums and teeth then down her throat.

“Your little slurps are stinkin’ cute, Maxter.”

Damn, that’s the shit. Maybe this won’t be so bad.

Max lifted her eyelids and refocused on the girl across from her.

“Kate, so, I need to talk about something important. I’m going to…”

Before she could finish, another familiar voice came from the side of the table, interrupting her.

“Maxwell Silver Hammer and Katie Kat Marsh.”

Fuck. Spoke too soon… What? Katie Kat?

Before even looking up to confirm the identity of the new arrival, Max knew exactly who was talking. She felt her brows furrow as she met the eyes of a person she also once considered a close friend. The boy waved his hand above his head with a dumb smile on his face.

“My two favorite chicas!”

He turned and grabbed a chair adjacent to their table, scraped it across the pavement, then plopped down between Max and Kate.

Max shot a disapproving glance at her blonde friend, who was taken aback by the gesture.

“I…” Kate started. “I ran into Warren on my way here. When I told him you were back in town, he asked if he could join us. I hope it’s okay, Max.”

Fuck. I don’t have time for this!

“Haven’t seen you since the funer…” Warren paused.  “I mean… uhhh… h-how are you?”

Why did he have to bring up the fucking funeral? Jeez. At least Kate considered my feelings– knowing it was probably still triggering for me. Selfish asshole.

“I’m fine, man.” Max despondently responded. “Damn.”

Kate apparently noticed the disappointment in Max’s voice. “I’m sorry, Max. I just didn’t want to let two of my best friends down. I figured, this way, we could all hang out and nobody would be upset.”

Best friends? When did Warren and Kate become best friends?

Then it dawned on her. Prior to Warren sitting down, he had greeted Kate with a touch on the shoulder. It wasn’t much, but it provided Max with enough information to justifiably draw conclusions.

“So, you two… You’ve become… friends?” Max’s eyes moved between the boy and girl sitting across from her. She also noticed their chairs weren’t spaced out much. The pair were nearly shoulder to shoulder, farther away from Max than each other.

“Well… I mean…” Kate fumbled with her words as she searched to find whatever explanation she was about to come up with.  She nervously glanced over at Warren; her eyes pleaded for his help.

“We, uh, are good friends, yes,” Warren confirmed, also looking back at Kate. They shrugged at one another with some sort of hidden undertones.

What? Are they… together?!

Max felt a burning fury growing inside of her, beginning in the pit of her stomach. She wasn’t jealous because of whatever it was they had together; she was angry because of something else completely. She was beginning to put the pieces together.

From Max’s memory, Kate and Warren rarely spoke at Blackwell. The only times she could remember seeing them together were at Chloe’s funeral and the memorial after at the Price household. They must have bonded during the last few months. They found something between one another that wouldn’t have existed if Chloe hadn’t died.

Fuck this!

“Max, don’t say some shit you’re gonna regret,” Chloe warned. “Careful.”

But Max ignored her favorite person’s voice, shooting to her feet in a fit of rage. The chair fell to the cement behind her with a bang.

“You two got together at Chloe’s funeral, didn’t you?” Her fists were clenched at her hips. “Didn’t you?!”

Several seconds passed by without a word. Max alternated between Kate’s shocked eyes and Warren’s. Their lack of response told her all she needed to know.

“Unfucking believable!” She grabbed her bag, propped the chair back up on its four feet, and turned to leave.

“Max, wait!” Kate desperately cried out.

Max stopped and spun back around towards their table. An unexpected numbness set in. She relaxed her angry face, softening her features.

“Kate, I called you here to tell you I’m going on a trip. I was wondering if you wanted to come with me because I really, really needed your support,” Max’s voice cracked. “… but fuck that now. This is probably the last time you’ll see me. I don’t want to hear from you again, ever. Good luck with your lives, you two.”

She turned back around and headed towards the bus stop.

Hearing William’s voice awakened memories Max hadn’t thought about in years. Her mind jumped to the final time she saw Kate and Warren in her original reality. She was so full of anger that she wrote them off and hadn’t looked back since. They didn’t understand how much Chloe meant to her; how hurtful it was to see them becoming friends in the wake of such a profound loss.

Nobody knew how intricately she and Chloe’s roots were entangled together, deep within their souls. How could they? The week that never happened only existed as an erased reality at that point. It was a moment frozen in time in her mind, yet nobody else could even fathom everything they went through.

“Max, are you there?” William asked, pulling Max out of her own head. “Hello?”

Max ran the fingers from her free hand through her hair then moved her cell from one ear to the other.

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry.”

“No, don’t be. I’m the one who needs to apologize.” Hearing the man’s soft, yet intense, voice felt like pouring water on a fire. It smothered her fears, calming the blaze in her heart, but left a smoky tendril of wonder floating between them.

“William,” Max whispered, holding back the threatening tears.

“Max, I know Chloe was your best friend; even if you hadn’t connected in a while. I was so selfish. I didn’t know how to react. My little girl was just… gone. I needed to point my finger at someone other than myself. So, I blamed you. Which isn’t fair.”

The brunette quietly listened, though, she couldn’t help noticing the similarities between father and daughter in that moment.

“I lost my little girl. But you lost your soulmate, didn’t you? I always knew you two had a special connection.”

Max’s breathing hitched. A dull stinging behind her eyes let her know she wouldn’t be able to hold her emotions back much longer.

“I miss her,” is all she could muster up. “I miss her so much, William.”

“I know, Max, me too. She was my light. She didn’t deserve anything that happened to her. The accident wasn’t even her fault. I just wish I had waited until she was more experienced to give her those damn keys. Speaking of keys…” Chloe’s father stopped for a moment, swallowing hard.

A silence followed, which was apparently needed by both parties on the phone.

“Keys?” Max finally asked.

William cleared his throat. “Yeah. You know, during times of loss, a person’s mind wanders. I started thinking about you and Chloe, and I remembered a time when you were younger. Max, did you hide my keys one day when I went to pick up Joyce? I swear they were right there, then they weren’t. I was shocked when I found them. Chloe said she had no idea how they got there.”

Max hated thinking about that time. She ultimately had to choose between the lives of two people she loved.

God, that’s so unfair.

“Yeah, I remember.”

I would choose Chloe over everybody else in this world, but William is like my own dad. So fucking unfair!

“I had a weird feeling that day, Max. You were like a totally different person. Then, when you came back to finally visit us a couple of weeks ago, it was strange. I know you are an adult now, but I don’t know how to describe it. You are different, aren’t you?”

Another voice abruptly came through the phone. “Is that Max?”

Joyce!

“Yes, Honey,” William admitted. “It’s her.”

Max had to inch the phone away after a series of loud jostling sounds popped in her ear from the phone.

“Max Caulfield. How are you doing, Child?” Hearing Joyce’s voice again was like a cool breeze during a hot summer day.

There was another popping from her phone’s speaker, followed by William’s voice once again.

“Max,” the man spoke. “I’m on the other phone. Now we can all chat together.”

“I feel fine, Joyce. Thank you.”

The woman sighed. “That’s really good, Max. When they said you were in a coma, I got worried. We just lost one of our daughters– didn’t wanna lose the other. You know what I mean. You were… You ARE… like a daughter to us.”

“It’s good to talk with you, Joyce.”

“Max,” William cut in. “I’m so sorry, again. I’ve been in such a dark space. But Joyce has been my faithful assistant. She’s helped me realize that without the darkness there would be no light, and vice versa.”

Huh? I’ve heard those words before.

“Oh, William,” the woman responded. “Sometimes you have to accept your destiny and move on.”

What? Now, I know I’ve heard that before. But from where? Crazy Déjà vu.

“You are a good one, Child.” Joyce’s voice seemed to cut out briefly before coming back. “We want to ask you something?”

“Ask me something?” Max echoed.

“Yeah,” the man chimed back in. “Will you speak at Chloe’s funeral? I think she would have wanted it that way. We held off burying her so we could get our minds and hearts in order.”

Chloe’s… funeral? No. No, I can’t. I can’t! Not again!

“Max, please say you will?” Joyce’s plea sounded endearing. “I know you loved her. It would be the best send off for our Chloe.”

“I-I… I don’t know.”

“Max?” Vanessa’s voice came from the makeshift behind her. When she twisted around, her mom had awakened and was propped on her side looking in her direction. “Who are you talking to?”

“Is that your mom, Max?” Joyce asked from the other end of the phone. “Maybe you two could come have dinner with us tonight. That would be great. I’ll cook us up something real good.”

“Or tomorrow night, if tonight’s too soon,” William added.

Max watched her mom push herself up to a sitting position. “It’s Willam and Joyce, Mom. They want us to have dinner with them.”

“Whatever you want to do, Sweetheart,” Vanessa responded. “I think it’s a great idea.”

Max dropped the phone away from her ear.

Voodoo Man, why am I here? You took me away from my reality where Chloe died, to this place, where Chloe is also fucking dead. This is torture, man! My heart can’t take much more.

February 2014

Max rode the bus to the first stop outside of Arcadia Bay, not knowing exactly where she wanted to go next. All she knew was she needed to get away and begin searching for her rewind again. She would be forever hindered from her search if she stayed in her hometown. Plus, everything about that place just made her skin crawl. From Jefferson, Nathan, and Rachel to Kate and Warren, every time she thought about her time there, the only person that mattered to her was Chloe– and she was no longer around.

As the vehicle was parked, Max spontaneously hopped up and exited. She found herself walking down the grungy sidewalk near a mostly abandoned strip mall. One or two of the concrete-sided stores looked run down and dilapidated. More, still, were boarded-up.

At the far end, on the corner, a laundry mat and an auto repair shop seemed like the only business that were still functional. Several broken-down, beat-up vehicles had taken up space in the parking lot to the opposite side of the repair shop.

I need a car. Maybe I could use one of those.

“You NEED to be careful, Max. What the fuck are you doing out here? Are you looking to get killed or some shit?”

I’m looking for answers, Chloe. I can’t explain it, but I just feel like I need to be here.

Max waited for Chloe to respond. When she didn’t hear Chloe’s rebuttal, she continued walking along the sidewalk towards the corner.

Once she reached the entrance, she opened the door to a small lobby area the smelled like smoke. A tiny bell on the door chimed upon walking inside. From an office behind the register counter, an older woman appeared.

“May I help you, Young Lady?”

“Maybe.” Max responded. “I need a car.”

“We just fix cars here. We don’t sell them.” Her voice was raspy. It sounded like she smoked a pack of cigarettes every day for decades.

Max leaned forward, stretching her neck to the side to catch a glimpse of the action through the glass partition between the lobby and garages. One truck was raised on the right lift with two men underneath. They were working with some sort of noisy equipment. The sound was muffled from the lobby, and she could see the men were wearing earplugs.

In the back corner, barely within eyeshot, was a woman standing behind a motorcycle. Max almost jumped when she noticed the stranger staring in her direction.

“No problem. Thanks for your help.” Max waved the attendant off and casually walked outside. She rounded the edge of the building and could see the shop’s garages. She wasn’t sure if she was supposed to be in that area, so Max stealthily moved between the columns of tires and parts shelves to meet the woman on the other side. She cupped her hands over her ears until she was several yards away.

The noise from the mechanics’ work forced her closer to the stranger than she would have preferred in order to communicate. She was a couple of inches taller than Max; slightly shorter than Chloe.

“You work here?” Max asked. Her voice was raised, but she was sure only the woman could hear what she was saying.

The woman shook her head. Blonde with a dyed streak of red hair moved back and forth. “I’m here temporarily,” she responded. “What are you looking for?”

Max caught a glimpse of herself in an old, oily mirror to the woman’s rear. Dark circles under her drooping, bloodshot eyes showed that she didn’t look very well. Her hollow cheeks gave the impression she was malnourished. It occurred to her that she probably seemed scary to anyone she came in contact with.

“I need a car. I have to get away from here.” Max heard herself speak, and she grew self-conscious of the desperation behind her words.

“What are you running from?”

“I’m looking for my rewind… I mean… I…” Max didn’t know why she opened up like that to a complete stranger. But she shook her head and quickly walked back her wording. “I’m looking for someone.”

“From my experience, you need to run TOWARDS something, not away. Otherwise, you’ll always be in its shadow forever. Anyway, can you ride a bike?” The woman asked. She had to be in her early to middle twenties.

“I never have,” Max responded. “I can learn, though.”

“If you want this one,” the woman patted the seat with her palm, “you can have it.”

“What’s the catch? It’s not every day that people just give their bikes away to strangers.”

The woman sighed. “Truth be known, I don’t have a need for it any longer, and I don’t need any money, before you ask. From the look of things, you need this a lot more than I do. Trust me when I say, nothing is for free. You will pay me back in other ways in the future.”

Max wasn’t sure what to say. After a moment of staring at one another, the brunette finally nodded in agreement. “I’m in no position to haggle. Thank you…”

The woman tossed the keys in the air and bumped past Max, strolling towards the outside. Max felt a strange prickling sensation on her neck as the woman walked by.

“Wait. What’s your name? Where are you going?”

The woman stopped and turned back towards Max. “My name is Destiny.”

“That’s a pretty name. Are you sure you have to leave? I-I could really use a friend.”

A tear rolled down the woman’s face. She reached up and wiped it with her palm. “I’ve gotta go.”

“Well, thank you… Destiny.”

The stranger turned and began walking away. She waved her hand above her head as she disappeared around the corner.

Max didn’t know what to make of the situation. It all happened so fast. She only knew she felt a strong desire to get off the bus at that stop. The one thing she needed was a ride. And by listening to that urge, she received what she was searching for, at least in the short run. From that point forward, she would follow her urges, even when her head was screaming at her to do the opposite.