First day, you’ll hear him cry 

Second day, just wanna die 

Third day, you’ll try… 

Midnight’s black as a dead man’s eyes 

He’s really not so bad  

He’s a faithful sinner 

Walk around the moon 

Get lost by dinner 

He’s in your head 

Lives under your bed 

In shadow corners 

Pushing you to the edge 

Will he take it too far 

Will he quit when you scream 

Is this heaven or hell 

Or your nightmare dream 

–The Dead Man’s Eyes, by Esther Nilin, from The Book of Halos

Reality began to trickle back in as sunlight painted the inside of her eyelids red. Max was lying flat on her back, mind still foggy from the evening before. Incoherent, abstract thoughts floated around in her head as they typically did upon awakening from a deep sleep.

“Yo, Mackity Max!” A familiar voice called out, startling the brunette. “You finally awake? You were so stinkin’ cute while napping in your new beach lounge chair, I couldn’t bring myself to wake you. Good thing we lathered your ass in sunscreen; you’d have been burnt to a damn crisp. That Irish Caulfield skin ain’t meant for the sun, HA!” Her words sounded so sweet and loving to Max’s ears, even though her heart and mind were doubtful of the source.

Chl-Chloe?! 

Max slowly attempted to open her eyes, but she couldn’t at first; everything seemed way too bright. She shifted her body as she tried to sit upright.

“Oh, shit,” Chloe blurted. “Your sunglasses fell off. Here they are.”

Chloe stepped between the sun and Max, casting a much needed shadow downward. She squatted to pick up an object, wiping sand away with her opposite hand. She slid a pair of sunglasses onto Max’s face and helped her to a sitting position. Chloe sat down beside her and slid in close.

“Chloe, is-is that really you?!” Max’s disbelieving voice shook as tears began to fill her confused eyes. She was grateful the glasses hid her emotions in that moment, overwhelming bewilderment clouding her mind.

“Of course it’s me. Who else would it be?” Chloe shoulder-bumped her best friend. “You must take all of your other fiancées to the beach.” An impish grin stretched the muscles in her face.

What the fuck is happening? Fiancée?! 

In a panic, Max shot to her feet. She sniffed away the remaining tears and took a step backwards. She removed her sunglasses and wiped her face with her shoulder as she frantically scanned the area. It was clear they were on a beach with few others around. She didn’t recognize the place but could tell it was a touristy area. Turning to face inland, she noticed high-rise condos on the street side of the coastal barriers.

Spinning back around towards Chloe, she squinted and stepped in, closing the distance between the pair. She placed both hands on opposite sides of the taller girl’s soft cheeks, rubbing her thumbs in tiny circles. Max stared deeply into Chloe’s eyes, then she began alternating between mouth, nose, eyes, and hair– even running her fingers through the blue in astonishment.

“Max. Max,” Chloe giggled, “what the hell are you doing? I know I’m hot, but fuck, Dude. It’s like you’re checking to make sure I’m not a damn Detroit Become Human android or some shit.”

Is this real? Is this really Chloe? …my entire heart… 

“I… you… here…”  Max couldn’t string any coherent combination of words together. This time, she couldn’t help it; several streams of liquid rolled from her eyes down her cheeks, dripping to the sand below. “It’s b-been so long… since…”

“Hey, Max? Seriously. Are you okay?” Chloe pulled Max into her chest and squeezed. “You’re crying, Babe. What’s going on?”

Through her sobs, Max inhaled deeply, taking in her favorite person’s scent. She’d cried herself to sleep, yearning to be around Chloe again, more times than she cared to admit. Now, it seemed, they were finally actually together.

How does this make any sense?  

After several minutes of holding one another, Max released her grip and shifted away. She then sat back down on her chair. It was still laid out in the lounge position, so Chloe sat beside her and turned so they were facing one another. She snaked an arm around the brunette’s slender shoulders and back, pulling her in closely. Max could feel the taller girl’s warmth, sending a pleasant shiver through her body.

Looking at Chloe, Max could see the girl was worried. Her eyebrows were angled downward, furrowed lines creased her forehead, as a look of concern washed across her face. It didn’t matter when or where they were, Max could always read her best friend’s emotions since as far back as she could remember. Chloe used to always tell her to quit reading her mind, as if she had a choice in the matter. They were almost always on the same page; they could practically finish each other’s sentences.

“Chloe. I-I don’t know if this is real. I mean… I remember some pretty fucked up things. Now here I am. Here YOU are. It doesn’t make sense. I’m all mixed up.” Despite her own worries, everything felt real. The gentle sweeping of the breeze felt real as it tickled her skin and hair. Chloe’s arm around her neck and shoulders felt tangible and real; not fake or out of proportion like a dream.

“Tell me if this feels real.” Chloe suddenly tilted Max’s head towards herself, placing a hand gingerly on her chin. She slipped her lips against Max’s and pressed in. It was the most magical feeling the brunette had ever experienced, and she hoped it would never end. Everything else bled away from her peripherals. All that existed were Max and Chloe. Two girls who loved each other more than anything. The intense desire and pure love the young adults shared was magical. It was everything Max dreamed it would be, and it was nothing like the grim goodbye kiss she recalled them sharing in Arcadia Bay on the lighthouse cliff.

A passionate, secret game of tag was played with their tongues, and the physical sensation was profound. Their connection transcended reality. Finally, the pair marginally moved their heads back and stared into each other’s eyes. The warm breeze and beach area returned.

“Chloe, I had such a terrible nightmare. God, it was fucking shitty. I had this rewind power and had to save your life over and over again. Then, I was faced with a final decision about you living or dying. It was so unfair. God! I didn’t want to choose, but you told me I was the only one who could make that choice.”

“Well, shit. You chose for me to live, right, Maxi?” Chloe pumped her eyebrows as if her life was the only possible correct choice. Her nonchalant attitude about the whole thing seemed strange, like she didn’t understand how heavy it all was for Max.

“I-I didn’t. It was you or all of Arcadia Bay. And you made me believe that everyone else deserved to live over you. I mean, I-I knew you were wrong, but there was so much pressure in that moment. It almost felt like someone else made the decision, and I was just there to carry it out. God, it was fucked up, Chloe!”

“Damn, Babe. I don’t know what to say. I guess… I’m sorry you had to go through that shit again. It’s getting old, I’m sure.”

“Again?” Max asked. “What do you mean by ‘it’s getting old’?”

“Yeah, don’t you remember? You’ve had the same nightmare a fuck load of times. It’s not always the same, but you could usually time travel or some shit. And a storm destroys our hometown. Sound familiar? Hell, you told me one time you moved into Victoria’s pool house with her and Kate after I died; something like that. Bizarre as fuck.”

“Chloe… I… It feels like THIS is the dream. You and me here now. And any minute I’ll wake up to that other fucked up reality where you’re gone. I’m scared. I can’t lose you again! I won’t make it this time.”

Chloe clutched Max’s trembling hands between her own and brought them both to her mouth. She steadied them, consecutively kissing each, then lowered all four into her lap. It was a small gesture that quickly began to calm Max’s nerves. Chloe knew Max better than anyone else in the world, which had been clear before, but in this reality, there was a more mature familiarity that felt safe.

“Okay, Max. Here’s what we usually do.” Chloe was focused and seemed more serious than before. “I remind you about the truth and you forget about the nightmare. Easy peasy. It works every time. Wanna do that now?” She kept her voice tender and sincere.

How many times has she been through this with me? Damn, she’s probably tired of it, too. I feel terrible she has to deal with my bullshit! 

Max just nodded.

“So, here’s what actually happened. My dad died and you were forced to move to Seattle. Do you remember that much? Sometimes I have to remind you about more things than others.”

Max bobbed her head up and down again to confirm her answer to Chloe’s question.

“After about a week, you ran away and caught a bus back. You’re a badass bitch, ya know! You said you literally couldn’t live without me. Can’t blame you there. HA! Your parents were so fucking pissed. It was hilarious!” Chloe paused to briefly laugh, then she continued. “But thankfully, they let you live with me and Mom. Basically, we grew up together. I needed you badly after Dad died. You needed me, too. He was like your second dad. We both had each other… and it was enough. More than enough. More like… we were exactly what the other needed.” She released their hands and leaned in for a hug. “Mom needed us too, in all honesty. It wasn’t so dark after you came back to me. You were my light, Max.”

“Wowser.” Max didn’t know how to respond. She was astonished by what she was hearing. Many emotions washed through her, and she began to relax. The weight of her most painful regret lifted from her.

“Wowser? HA! You haven’t said that in a long damn time, Babe.”

“Chloe, it’s like I remember this entire other life, but I know what you’re saying is true too, somehow. I have these memories as well. What the fuck is happening to me? I feel like I’m going crazy. Like I’m being pulled in different directions.”

“I’m not sure, Maxi. But we’ll get past this. All I know is this is where you’re meant to be– with me. We’re Max and Chloe, ya know? We can handle any shit the universe throws at us. Fuck ‘em all!”

“Where are we now, Chloe? Are we on some sort of vacation?” Max glanced out towards the ocean.

Chloe giggled, which sent a welcomed tremor through Max’s body. “After you graduated, we moved to Big Sur. We just started driving on a whim and ended up here. I’ve never been happier, Max. I love our life together so damn much. I love YOU so damn much.” She puckered her lips and created an exaggerated sucking, air-kiss sound, enticing a playful smile from her partner. “There it is! My favorite smile in the world. Good thing you’re mine. With a smile like that I’m lucky as shit I got you first.”

Max continued to ask questions as she played with Chloe’s hair, slowly running her fingers through it from front to back and every possible direction. Chloe was patient and gladly helped navigate Max’s mind back to their present. The more answers Max received, the more her memories of this reality returned to her. She grew more comfortable as time moved forward, sitting on the beach and being in love with the girl of her dreams. Everything was perfect.

The two lovers played in the sand like kids, stepped into the ocean a couple of times to cool off, and walked around collecting seashells. They kissed and hugged periodically. Their day was wonderful. Spending time together, essentially doing nothing, filled Max’s heart in a way she had never expected but had hoped for what felt like an eternity.

As the sun began to descend, the couple kissed and cuddled together on a blanket that Chloe spread out on top of the sand.

“Wait a minute,” Max hesitated. She had one final question that she suddenly didn’t want to ask, though she knew she had to for her own sanity, at least. “What happened to Rachel Amber?”

Chloe uneasily shifted. “You mean the girl that went missing back in high school?”

“Yeah, I-I guess so.” Max could feel the grimace forming on her face as she awaited Chloe’s answer.

“I dunno what happened to her. She was never found, as far as I know. Haven’t really thought about it or kept up with any news.” Chloe shrugged and went back to playing in the sand. “I’m sure she just ran away or something.”

“So, you two were never… friends? Or… more?” Max shivered, thinking about Chloe being with Rachel instead of her. Even though she knew the terrible fate the actor suffered, she couldn’t help but feel jealousy inside her heart. However, knowing she didn’t run from her grief like she thought she had previously, gave her a boost of confidence she hadn’t experienced. She was there for Chloe during the darkest time of her life.

“No way, Dude! What’s wrong with you? I mean, shit. I can count on one hand how many times you and me were apart, like… literally. She hung out with those other rich Vortex assholes, I think. Fuck all those pricks. We didn’t need ‘em. Just you and me. Always, Babe.” Chloe playfully winked at Max.

“Like I said, I’m just all mixed up lately. To be honest, being here with you is all I’ve dreamed of for so long. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to you, but this is like a miracle to me. I love you so much, Chloe.” Like waking after a fading dream, Max’s past memories felt farther away from her grasp.

Chloe smiled and quickly pecked her fiancée on the lips. “So damn goopy, Caulfield. Wasn’t that the line you said when you proposed? It was definitely close.”

Holy shit! I proposed?! 

Suddenly, a frisbee flew in and landed beside Max, startling her with a jump. It nearly struck her in the head, missing her temple by a mere inch or two.

“Whoa, fuck!” Chloe jumped up as a man approached. She angrily snatched the frisbee from the ground and met the man face-to-face. “Watch where you’re throwing that damn thing. You could’ve hit my girl, Dude. Then I woulda had to kick your ass.” Her chest was puffed, and Max knew her fiancée she would fight the man if it came to it. Max couldn’t clearly see the individual’s face since the sun had set nearly an hour prior, but she worried Chloe was being a little too direct.

“It’s fine, Chloe. No worries, we’re good. Come back and sit with me.”

“I’m so sorry,” the man said, turning towards Max. His emerald green eyes caught a glint from the moon and shined brightly. His voice sounded familiar and it made Max’s heart sink with fear. “Thank you. I’ll be more careful next time, Child.”

That voice. Those eyes. Wh-What the fuck? 

“Chloe!” Max screamed, drawing her best friend to her side.

“Max, what is it?!”

“Chloe, don’t leave me, please! This was the best day I’ve ever had in my entire life. Don’t go!”

“What are you talking about, Babe? I would never leave you.”

“This isn’t real! The fucking Voodoo Man did this. That’s him. Fucking frisbee dude.” Her breathing caught and she could feel bile burning up her esophagus. “No! God, please no!” Tears began streaming down her face, and she could feel her grip on reality sliding from her. Chloe was replaced by nothingness as her image dripped away, down from her arms like liquid spilling from a pitcher.

No!… no… no… … 

An abrupt stir of vivid colors mixed around in her perception. The beach and all of her surroundings vanished. She knew she was being pulled away, and it broke her heart all over again; fractured into countless pieces. Her first desire was to pick through the broken shards and try to put it back together, but it would be no use. Finally, Max stopped resisting the transition. She patiently sat in wait. She didn’t have the will to fight any longer.

After some time, she opened her strained, bloodshot eyes. She was sitting at the table in the backyard behind the shack staring into the radiant, green eyes of the Voodoo Man. A smile stretched across his face.

“I really am sorry, Child.” His grin faded a bit. “I guess I probably should tell you something inspirational now, like why you had to go through that and, perhaps, something about the reality you experienced being real in your heart or whatever. I do not have the words. What you witnessed was not your destiny, obviously. It will never happen like that for you, though it may have existed in some universe somewhere, I suppose. Truth be known, I do enjoy your suffering. It is like a drug to me. Call it my toxic trait.” He grinned again.

“Fuck you, Voodoo Bastard!” Max looked to the ground and noticed a hand-sized piece of jagged sheet metal. “If I can’t be with her, I don’t want to BE at all!” She imagined angling the sharpest end towards her neck, pushing down and dragging. Her outstretched arm shook as she reached downward and her breathing became deep and erratic.

“I am not surprised by your response. I can tell you love her with all of your heart. It might be the purest form of love I have ever seen. But look… what am I supposed to do? I have a problem with hurting others. I moved way out here to disappear from everyone so I would not do this anymore. You came all this way desperately seeking me. Kudos for actually finding me, by the way. But I am not exactly a good guy. I have these… urges, you see. I was actually going to prohibit you from drinking my concoction until you came back down here and begged for it last night.” His words sounded monotoned, if soured, like he genuinely regretted his actions.

If Max picked up the sharp object, she knew there would be no turning back. Once in hand, she realized she would go through with it. She had experienced her idea of heaven. Now she was back in hell.

Just as she was about to grab the metal…

“Max, noooo! You can’t do this to yourself.” Chloe’s fierce voice returned, stopping Max from continuing.

What other choice do I have, Chloe?! I can’t live without you anymore. I can’t! It hurts too damn much. 

“Put it down, Max. Please. We will find another way. I promise you that. I FUCKING PROMISE!” 

Max raised her hand back up. “AHHHHHH!”

“We will find a way, Max. Trust me.” 

Max reached inside her jacket pocket and located her smashed-in pack of cigarettes. She placed one in her mouth and lit it. It didn’t exactly make her feel better, but it was something she could control.

The Voodoo Man looked on with a toothy smile.